Dear Ally Claire,
Oh my child, my angel! As I type this, I have no idea how I will ever find the words. There are so many, yet none of them seem significant enough. I have prayed for you since I was a little girl. I always wanted children. I always wanted 3 children. I always wanted one of them to be a girl. And girl, you are far better than anything I ever prayed for! I can't believe how your little life started a year ago. I never would have guessed that you would have a 10 day NICU stay for respiratory distress because of "wet lungs".
I never would have guessed that I wouldn't get to hold you for FOUR days. I never knew how sweet that first time of finally getting to hold you would be and then how bitter it was to have to put you back after only 10 minutes. I hated (only slightly) that you were a good eater and that is all the time it took. I was thrilled that you were so good b/c it meant that you would get better faster. You were born on a Tuesday. Getting to hold you was a Saturday. Sunday morning when I woke up, my whole body ached like I had the flu. I have never known what it was like to feel like you were missing part of yourself, until that very moment. I needed you like I needed every breath. I wonder how many times during those 10 days i uttered those exact words "I need her." You have brought back a softness to me that I feared was long gone after 5 years of raising boys. You have made me want to be healthy so that you will be. You already help me remember what it was like to twirl in a dress, even though you haven't quite yet taken that first precious alone step. Right now, we are at the beach and while you don't like it very much, I know you will. Because you are mine. And the first thought I had when we put our toes in the sand on Sunday night was "I can't wait to bring you here, just us girls!" Everything about you is so delicate, so precious, so innocent. My prayer is that you will stay that way as long as possible. I pray that God will protect you, my sweet, when your daddy and I can't. I pray that you will be happy and healthy. I already pray for the husband you will choose and this it is the one that God is already preparing just for you. I pray that you will be blessed with babies, as many as you want. I pray they will be as sweet as you. I have no idea what your future holds, little one. I just know that I don't want to miss any of it if I don't have to. Those first 10 days were hard enough. You were so brave and so strong. I'll never forget singing to you everyday in that NICU. My "theme" for you was "Jesus Loves Me" because of the line "little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong." Little sissy, He brought you through that, and I have no doubt He will lead you through the rest of your life. I pray with everything that I have that you will let Him. That is my biggest hope for you.
Thank you so much for being part of my life. I can't wait to have so many adventures with you. I can't wait to see who you will become. But I will wait. This time is so precious, and I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love you sooooo much. You'll never know my angel. You'll never know. my cup runneth over.